Poor Love: Love BITES? What do you mean | Part 3

If you come to my office, I might tell you out of the blue, be careful "Love bites", as you can't recognize a capital letter in a talk.. I enjoy watching visitors reaction to "love bites", mostly frowns, when they hear it :)

While visitors are trying to make sense of the statement, I would say: Love is the name of the cat sitting next to you (in the photo), she is cute but she play bites. An immediate relief is visible on their face knowing that they haven't just arrived to meet a crazy woman. I would continue, Love is my office cat that I adopted on Valentines' day 2020 and with this further brief explanation they start to make sense of the whole situation.

The responses I get mostly falls under one of 4 categories that we generally get in life:

1. The "whatever" response: Oh.. Ok, and they move on - mostly sales people - to start selling.

2. The empty quick compliment: How sweet!.. Move on - a trained sales person :)

3. The "not sure what to say": Taking a moment to look at the cat before coming up with a general comment.

4. The sincere/present response (or a very highly trained/manipulator ): Taking a moment to look at the cat before taking an action such as 1.Petting her, she starts play biting and they don't mind, 2. asking if we can have the cat out because they are allergic 3. asking further question and listening to answers or sharing a story about their pets - a conversation starts

Let's imagine if I didn't explain any thing beyond the statement "Be careful.. Love bites" & the person in front of me didn't ask for any clarification. What would happen?

He might think I am crazy, try to pet the cute "office cat" and get bitten.

I might say "You see, I told you".

Him: you said love bites.

Me: Yes, that's Love the cat.

Him: I didn't know

Me: Yes because you are not listening.

Him Listen to what? You didn't say it

Me: You never listen, you don't care, get out of my life.. oh I mean of my office

Him: I am leaving anyway

Me throwing a cushion

Him: Slapping the door

Does this dynamic sound familiar? - Not in the office, I hope :D

When you make a statement (such as I Love You or any other statement), it's self serving if not explained.

When you explain and discuss a statement (verbally - no hints and body language please), it is an invite to have the other person on board. Trying to communicate and to start a conversation, build a connection, a relationship, to come to mutual understanding because you appreciate and acknowledge the other person and have his/her well being in mind and interested in keeping a healthy connection last as long as possible. It's sign that we can discuss anything life throws our way. We can be vulnerable. We are a team and on the same side.

If you think this is an easy thing, you might be surprised.

To state, I Love You expecting the other to know what you mean and hold him/her accountable for not listening, responding the way you want or think it should be to what you said but didn't explain.

To explain what I mean, it might be only fair that I know & understand what I am saying before demanding others to understand:

(I): Self awareness: Am I who I claim to be? Does the other person know who I truly am? Do I know who I am. Why I choose this type of partner, friend, work environment. Why I enjoy th company of specific people. Do I have boundaries, am I aware of my values (priorities), what I can bring to the relationship?

(Love): Noun: mental (definition, perception & self talk based on previous experiences), emotional state (related to balancing and regulating your body) and behavioral response to achieve something, a verb.

What: Is telling others I love them my way to demand being love back so you make them feel like they owe you Love back?

Why: Do I love you for you or do I love you for me.

When: Do I love you if we are together doing what I want or do I love you if you decide to leave?

Where: Do I wish you well wherever you go or do I wish you well when you are with me?

How: Am I ready to support you grow for you or I will push you to grow for my associated image to you?

(You): Who you truly are to me and to others? How much of you did I see? How much of you did you show me? What do you represent to me? Safety, desire, support, advice, a temporary need, ambition, status, connection, a spark, an affirmation that I am lovable, visible, attractive or worthy?

If we are left alone - who is there in the room? Are you kind, are you truthful, are you fun, can I trust you, am I heard, am I safe, am I a priority, am I permanent or temporary, am I an option or a choice? Are we able to manage our disagreements? Are we comfortable being open?

Once you are clear on this, you can easily communicate it to the subject of your love.

Do it in the same order:

I: Get to know yourself, understand your choices, your needs, your current emotional state, the easiest way is to write about this or google "who am I" :D

Love: Explore Love, ask people about it, read, write and talk about it. Listen to your self-talk, body response and your actions in response to what you hear, read, write or experience and when you are with the one you love.

You: Pay attention to the full picture not only the parts of the person you want, need or appreciate. Look at the parts you don't like in social set ups (in conflicts, under stress, in parties). Can you give that person the space to be all of him/her and still be loved (You might be surprised at the number of people who choose to live double life because they do not have that space)

On a separate note please drop the never proven effective notion: I can change them, if they love me they will change.. No, they will NOT.. they will if they want to, if they can, if they are open to, if they are inspired or if they give in and pretend that they have changed.

This is not to say what is right or wrong about your views, your needs or your experiences, this is to immerse in Love itself and find it in you, it's there you just need to find it, before you share it with someone else.

This will help you find love "in" you so you can offer it to someone else instead of finding it in someone else to offer it to you. Only then you know what you are talking about when you say I Love You and you truly fully mean it. Only then you can explain what you mean. Don't wait to be asked what do you mean, set an example.

It has been a beautiful journey for me exploring the topic since I adopted Love, literally, I mean Love the cat and I can sum it up in one line from Danny Gokey's sons: Love will take you places.

If you swim, you would know that magic happens under the water. This is what it feels when you explore love, the deeper the more magical.

with love (not my cat)

-t